Longing

Sometimes I feel so desperate in my longing  that it feels too painful to go on. But go on I must.  At times I so crave a hand to hold but there's no one there.

Random Thoughts

I'm at the end of a tunnel and I cannot see the light.

He sometimes balled his hands into fists when we were arguing. Yet I was so lonely the other night I almost texted him. Thank goodness I didn't.

I'm done bailing out my daughter due to stupid decisions she makes. I'm done being a doormat.

I love my dog but wish I was not responsible for her care. I can hardly care for myself.

I wish I could go away for about a month and have someone to take care of me (per my doctor, that's depression).

Well, I got several things accomplished Monday (yay), but Tuesday and today I was exhausted. I've scheduled an appointment to see my PCP Monday. I know there are no magic cures for mono but I do want to talk to her about this seemingly never ending exhaustion. I wonder if running the labs again would give any insight. I've rescheduled my upper endoscop/colonoscopy to Dec 12 as I am not up to going through that whole rigamarole while still combating mono. Mammogram is Oct 28. Hurrah for squished boobs.

I'm a little frustrated with Angel. I asked her to be sure to put her rinse her dishes and put them in the dishwasher when she was done eating. She said she would but included that she would not be washing my pan I had left in the sink to soak. We had a small argument then she then took her bowl of ice cream to her room and has not emerged since. I did the dishes needless to say. Not a big deal but her pointing out that she would wash hers and not my one pan was so irritating. Like I don't let her live here rent free and bail her out money wise. Something has got to change but I do not have the energy to deal with it. IT'S SO DUMB!!!!! 

All I wanted was love and someone to share my life with. To grow old with. How did everything go so wrong. I'm so tired of being lonely. I miss hugs and kisses. There were some fun times. But by the end the bad definitely outweighed the good. I've lost all hope of ever finding love again. I need to find love within myself but that seems impossible. I am disgusted by the person I have allowed myself to become. Inwardly and outwardly.

Well for some reason my mind is full of thoughts and I'm thinking I need to start blogging again. I have got to get to the bottom of what is wrong with me and figure out what I can do to make myself better. It's been a frustrating year, especially the summer, when my swimming got screwed up by mono. I keep dreaming about swimming so I may check out the YMCA in Moncks Corner again. They do have an indoor pool but it's 30 minutes away so I am leery about committing. If they let people join month to month I may give it a try.

My eating is out of control so maybe exercise would help motivate me to eat healthy and make some positive changes in that regard.

This time of year is especially hard with mom's birthday coming up and the anniversary of her death. I woke up this morning dreaming about her and yelling in my head "why did you have to leave. I still needed you".. This evening I started crying out of the blue and the thought that jumped in my head was I need you to come back. Of course that's impossible. It's been almost 5 years and some days it feels like it was just yesterday.

My mono flared up again this past week so I was at home everyday except the one day I was able to get to Publix to pick up a few things.. It seems like if my mono flares up I feel terrible physically but ok mentally. Then when the mono symptoms subside the mental issues get worse. I'm going to do my best to get out of the house every day this coming week, even if its just a walk through Big Lots. I missed my psychiatric and counseling visits this past week. I was in bed with mono symptoms both days and could barely do anything. I'll be seeing my counselor this coming Wednesday and my psychiatrist on the 21st. My colonoscopy is scheduled for the 23rd. I can't wait to get that over with.

That's it for now. I'm going to try to get a good night sleep only pleasant dreams.

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Today was definitely a better day. I got up at a decent hour, showered, put on makeup and styled my hair. I went to publix then picked up Heidi from the boarders. she was so happy to see me and I was happy to see her. The rest of the day went on normally. I didn't get any laundry done but there is plenty of time for that tomorrow. The downside of the day was when I went to take a picture of myself on my camera phone (good hair day) and saw the result. All I could think was who is that ugly fat pig staring back at me. I have got to do something about my weight and get healthy.

The New Year

Well, I was looking forward to the start of the new year. Certainly 2014 would be better than 2013. And I do have the hope that it will be. Unfortunately, upon returning home Jan. 3rd after spending a good deal of time with my family over the holidays, I fell into a depression. I guess it could be called the post holidays blues but I really think it is primarily loneliness. I was okay on the 3rd. Happy to be home in fact. But the 4th and the 5th were awful. I felt I couldn't leave home due to anxiety and I slept most of the time due to depression, not getting up until late afternoon. My cupboards are totally bare so I ordered food to be delivered and spent way too much money which in and of itself is depressing. And it was fattening food (the only available to be delivered in Goose Creek). I had lost about 10 lbs over the holidays since I was more active and didn't spend all day eating donuts and chocolate as I am want to do. I imagine I have gained some of that back :(

Tomorrow is a new day. I plan to get up at a decent hour, shower, go to the grocery store, pick up Heidi from the boarders and do laundry. Yes, I left Heidi at the boarders over the weekend. A bad idea financially but I didn't feel I could care for her. I've had to board her a couple of times in the last few months when my depression has gotten bad. I talked to the owner about taking Heidi if it ever got to where I just could no longer keep her. She said either she would take her (they love her there) or find someone who would. I love my dog and hope it doesn't come to that. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with having to care for her and I know she is happier around other dogs.

A word about my blog. I am using this as a journal and a way to get things off my chest. If it upsets anyone to see negative posts please just don't read the blog. I need this to help me purge these feelings and usually once I write, I feel a weight has lifted.