Envy

I've been living my life lately with serious envy and or jealousy. Envy of what other people have financially, relationship-wise and just living full lives. I'm tired of feeling this way. I know I'm the only one that can make positive changes in my life and I really have to start. I can have all these things I envy if I just take the first step and start working on myself. Seriously. I also need to work on being grateful for what I have. I don't wish ill of anyone nor do I begrudge them the things and life style they have. But I want that for me too and I just haven't had the motivation or drive or whatever you want to call it to change things. I'm so lonely living alone. My circle is so very small now. I look back on all those years of numerous friendships, church activities, Zeta alumni group, and all the other things I did and just wonder how I got to where I am now. I feel like I'm in a bad dream and just can't wake up.

New Beginning

Tomorrow Monday March 13th I start a new chapter. I'm going to have a schedule for each day and accomplish things. I will rise by 8:30 in the morning, take Heidi out, have breakfast, and do some reading. I will also begin experimenting with oil pastels and oil painting. Tomorrow also marks the day that my Prozac will be increased to 80 milligrams a day so hopefully this will help in lifting me out of this morass I've been stuck in. I make the conscious decision to say yes to as many things as I possibly can. Tomorrow I will go grocery shopping and stop by to see Dad. I will be walking Heidi myself once or twice a day. This is mandatory. Each day I will record what I have done that day and lay out what my plans are for the next day. I know I need this structure in my life and plan to implement it in a positive way. I am also going to be working on my diet particularly in eliminating sugar. I know that if I can make positive changes in my life and stick to them, I can lead an active and fulfilling life. It's up to me.

Sadness

Sadness and loneliness still plague me. Even when I get out more and I'm around people, I'm still having those feelings. The loneliness is the worst at night. My sleep is so interrupted by insomnia and hot flashes. I've got to get on some kind of regular schedule so that I can start living life. I'm praying that the labs taken by Dr Eustis shed some insight and that hormone adjustment will be helpful. I'm transitioning from Effexor to Prozac right now and hopefully that's going to help, too. My kidneys are better but I'm still  anemic and my iron saturation was still low at my last visit. Honestly I'm wondering if I've had problems with iron levels before because I've been anemic my whole adult life but we didn't regularly check iron labs. My hemoglobin is 10.6 which is a number that I've had many times in the past. I'm very thankful that it's up from being 8.0 but I'm just so tired of dealing with these health issues. Actually had some really dark thoughts this morning.

Loneliness

I have been feeling lonely the last couple of days. But I'm not doing anything to change that. I feel stuck. My health seems to be slowly improving and I'm happy about that but I'm struggling with trying to get active. I haven't been back to the pool since that one day with Kristen. Of course I did too much and ended up paying for it for the next couple of days but I really need to get back in there. I so want to find someone to share my life with but unless I do the things that's going to lead to that nothing's going to happen. I am feeling more confident about helping Kristen and Nancy with their businesses but I'm still having feelings of being overwhelmed about it. Nancy is coming back this weekend and I hope we can get a lot accomplished. I really started going into a dark place today with a lot of negative self-talk and feelings of not wanting to be on this Earth anymore. But I was able to put a stop to it. It's not that I don't want to live anymore, it's that I don't want to live the way I've been living anymore. Not having anyone to do activities with is difficult. but I know I can't use that as an excuse to not do things. I isolated inside yesterday and today. I'm still not walking Heidi and I really need to start doing that. Doing it in this hot weather is going to be tough but I've just got to start. I had a nice birthday Saturday but was really disappointed to just get a very short Facebook message from Angel. I don't know why I get my hopes up about our relationship. She is doing great living in Hawaii and has a boyfriend so the last thing she's doing is thinking about her mom. I understand that but it still hurts. Everytime we do talk she always says how she wants us to talk more and stay in touch better but then she rarely calls. The time difference and her work schedule make it difficult for me to call her. Per her Facebook she has time for a lot of things. Just not her mom.

Bad day

I hate myself and I hate my life. I feel so hopeless.

Afraid

I am so afraid of the future particularly of my financial future. I'm scared out of my wits. How will I continue to support myself when the money that John has to send every month stops. It's only about a year from now. Now he's in the hospital for some kind of psychiatric reason and I don't know when I'll get my April check. If something happens to him how will I ever get the rest of the money owed to me and what will I do about the mortgage is in my name. I have no one to talk to about it except my counselor. Talking to someone just once a week isn't enough. I can't address all these concerns with Kristen every time I feel them. She gets frustrated and offers advice that I wish I was mentally capable of taking. I'm so afraid.

Alone

Why do I have to be the one that's alone? All of my relationships, from the ones before marriage to my marriage, were with men that were definitely not the right person for me. I was just so desperate to be loved and to have someone. Is that part of my life all over? Is it possible that I could find true love? I feel pretty hopeless that it will ever happen for me.