I'm at the end of a tunnel and I cannot see the light.
He sometimes balled his hands into fists when we were arguing. Yet I was so lonely the other night I almost texted him. Thank goodness I didn't.
I'm done bailing out my daughter due to stupid decisions she makes. I'm done being a doormat.
I love my dog but wish I was not responsible for her care. I can hardly care for myself.
I wish I could go away for about a month and have someone to take care of me (per my doctor, that's depression).
Friday, October 17, 2014
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Well, I got several things accomplished Monday (yay), but Tuesday and today I was exhausted. I've scheduled an appointment to see my PCP Monday. I know there are no magic cures for mono but I do want to talk to her about this seemingly never ending exhaustion. I wonder if running the labs again would give any insight. I've rescheduled my upper endoscop/colonoscopy to Dec 12 as I am not up to going through that whole rigamarole while still combating mono. Mammogram is Oct 28. Hurrah for squished boobs.
I'm a little frustrated with Angel. I asked her to be sure to put her rinse her dishes and put them in the dishwasher when she was done eating. She said she would but included that she would not be washing my pan I had left in the sink to soak. We had a small argument then she then took her bowl of ice cream to her room and has not emerged since. I did the dishes needless to say. Not a big deal but her pointing out that she would wash hers and not my one pan was so irritating. Like I don't let her live here rent free and bail her out money wise. Something has got to change but I do not have the energy to deal with it. IT'S SO DUMB!!!!!
I'm a little frustrated with Angel. I asked her to be sure to put her rinse her dishes and put them in the dishwasher when she was done eating. She said she would but included that she would not be washing my pan I had left in the sink to soak. We had a small argument then she then took her bowl of ice cream to her room and has not emerged since. I did the dishes needless to say. Not a big deal but her pointing out that she would wash hers and not my one pan was so irritating. Like I don't let her live here rent free and bail her out money wise. Something has got to change but I do not have the energy to deal with it. IT'S SO DUMB!!!!!
Sunday, October 12, 2014
All I wanted was love and someone to share my life with. To grow old with. How did everything go so wrong. I'm so tired of being lonely. I miss hugs and kisses. There were some fun times. But by the end the bad definitely outweighed the good. I've lost all hope of ever finding love again. I need to find love within myself but that seems impossible. I am disgusted by the person I have allowed myself to become. Inwardly and outwardly.
Well for some reason my mind is full of thoughts and I'm thinking I need to start blogging again. I have got to get to the bottom of what is wrong with me and figure out what I can do to make myself better. It's been a frustrating year, especially the summer, when my swimming got screwed up by mono. I keep dreaming about swimming so I may check out the YMCA in Moncks Corner again. They do have an indoor pool but it's 30 minutes away so I am leery about committing. If they let people join month to month I may give it a try.
My eating is out of control so maybe exercise would help motivate me to eat healthy and make some positive changes in that regard.
This time of year is especially hard with mom's birthday coming up and the anniversary of her death. I woke up this morning dreaming about her and yelling in my head "why did you have to leave. I still needed you".. This evening I started crying out of the blue and the thought that jumped in my head was I need you to come back. Of course that's impossible. It's been almost 5 years and some days it feels like it was just yesterday.
My mono flared up again this past week so I was at home everyday except the one day I was able to get to Publix to pick up a few things.. It seems like if my mono flares up I feel terrible physically but ok mentally. Then when the mono symptoms subside the mental issues get worse. I'm going to do my best to get out of the house every day this coming week, even if its just a walk through Big Lots. I missed my psychiatric and counseling visits this past week. I was in bed with mono symptoms both days and could barely do anything. I'll be seeing my counselor this coming Wednesday and my psychiatrist on the 21st. My colonoscopy is scheduled for the 23rd. I can't wait to get that over with.
That's it for now. I'm going to try to get a good night sleep only pleasant dreams.
My eating is out of control so maybe exercise would help motivate me to eat healthy and make some positive changes in that regard.
This time of year is especially hard with mom's birthday coming up and the anniversary of her death. I woke up this morning dreaming about her and yelling in my head "why did you have to leave. I still needed you".. This evening I started crying out of the blue and the thought that jumped in my head was I need you to come back. Of course that's impossible. It's been almost 5 years and some days it feels like it was just yesterday.
My mono flared up again this past week so I was at home everyday except the one day I was able to get to Publix to pick up a few things.. It seems like if my mono flares up I feel terrible physically but ok mentally. Then when the mono symptoms subside the mental issues get worse. I'm going to do my best to get out of the house every day this coming week, even if its just a walk through Big Lots. I missed my psychiatric and counseling visits this past week. I was in bed with mono symptoms both days and could barely do anything. I'll be seeing my counselor this coming Wednesday and my psychiatrist on the 21st. My colonoscopy is scheduled for the 23rd. I can't wait to get that over with.
That's it for now. I'm going to try to get a good night sleep only pleasant dreams.
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