Men

Ok, Here I am feeling lonely and discouraged so I decided to download the tinder app just to see what it's like. Within one minute a nice looking guy had written me a message. I panicked and uninstalled the app. No one in their right mind would want me way I am now. Now I feel even more lonely and discouraged. That was a bad idea.

Melancholy

It's Christmas week and I can't seem to shake this deep feeling of melancholy. Christmas seems to get harder each year. And this year Angel is living in Hawaii and Barbara is no longer with us. Between the Daniels, McDonalds, and  Hacketts, we only have dad left as a parent. I've really been missing Angel a great deal and hate that she will pretty much be alone in in Hawaii for Christmas since her friends are able to fly home to be with their families. I so miss the Daniels family traditions and our years with Robert and Bradley when they were young.

I am having that strong and severe feeling of sadness and loneliness and this time I just can't seem to shake it. I can't seem to get my mind to shut off. I miss mom so much it hurts. I know we all are going to have a difficult Christmas this year, especially Jay and Ann.

My fear of death has gotten worse and every little glitch that happens with my health seems to just reinforce the fear.

I am glad that I moved to Mount Pleasant but my problems came with me so the happiness of being over here has been overshadowed by my continued problems. Reading the summary Dr. Maierle wrote for me for the retirement system disability review really bothered me. It makes me feel like I'm sicker than I realize. And if that's the case, why go on?

Woe

Woe, woe
all around.
I'm crumbing, stumbling, falling down
into the abyss
dark, lonely, without hope.

Frustration

I am so tired of my life. No purpose. My daughter always taking advantage of me. People saying they want me to tell them what's going on with me but then when I tell them they just don't seem to understand but want to offer solutions that aren't always appropriate to my situation. Then they get frustrated when I don't take their advice . I'm going to stop telling anybody anything. I feel like the only person who understands me is Mary.

Past vs Future

In the last 30 minutes or so I have been feeling such anger towards John. Feelings of hatred and betrayal. I am so tired of living in the past. I know my only way out of my past is looking to and making a future but that seems to be beyond my abilities right now. I've been very sad today. Probably somewhat related to hormones, but I can't blame that for everything. I need change to happen. I know it's in my hands to facilitate change but I just don't know what to do. Everything I try seems to fizzle out so quickly. My health has been so bothersome this summer that I haven't been out to the pool nearly as much as I would like. Or need to be. Hopefully I can see my doctor next week and I'm seeing Dr Naylor Wednesday. I don't know if I should continue with the Viibryd or not. Effexor might be just as effective and it costs $54.00 less.

Chins

I just saw myself in the camera on my phone. I now have three chins. Disgusting.

Angel

I am so frustrated with Angel. She has been in Hawaii almost a month and has done next to nothing to find a job. I hope she's not using her friends like she has used me. It's definitely not helping my mental state.