Bad day

I hate myself and I hate my life. I feel so hopeless.

Afraid

I am so afraid of the future particularly of my financial future. I'm scared out of my wits. How will I continue to support myself when the money that John has to send every month stops. It's only about a year from now. Now he's in the hospital for some kind of psychiatric reason and I don't know when I'll get my April check. If something happens to him how will I ever get the rest of the money owed to me and what will I do about the mortgage is in my name. I have no one to talk to about it except my counselor. Talking to someone just once a week isn't enough. I can't address all these concerns with Kristen every time I feel them. She gets frustrated and offers advice that I wish I was mentally capable of taking. I'm so afraid.

Alone

Why do I have to be the one that's alone? All of my relationships, from the ones before marriage to my marriage, were with men that were definitely not the right person for me. I was just so desperate to be loved and to have someone. Is that part of my life all over? Is it possible that I could find true love? I feel pretty hopeless that it will ever happen for me.

Depression

Depression is ruining my life and I don't know how to stop it. I'm so tired of living this way. I need an escape hatch.

Men

Ok, Here I am feeling lonely and discouraged so I decided to download the tinder app just to see what it's like. Within one minute a nice looking guy had written me a message. I panicked and uninstalled the app. No one in their right mind would want me way I am now. Now I feel even more lonely and discouraged. That was a bad idea.

Melancholy

It's Christmas week and I can't seem to shake this deep feeling of melancholy. Christmas seems to get harder each year. And this year Angel is living in Hawaii and Barbara is no longer with us. Between the Daniels, McDonalds, and  Hacketts, we only have dad left as a parent. I've really been missing Angel a great deal and hate that she will pretty much be alone in in Hawaii for Christmas since her friends are able to fly home to be with their families. I so miss the Daniels family traditions and our years with Robert and Bradley when they were young.

I am having that strong and severe feeling of sadness and loneliness and this time I just can't seem to shake it. I can't seem to get my mind to shut off. I miss mom so much it hurts. I know we all are going to have a difficult Christmas this year, especially Jay and Ann.

My fear of death has gotten worse and every little glitch that happens with my health seems to just reinforce the fear.

I am glad that I moved to Mount Pleasant but my problems came with me so the happiness of being over here has been overshadowed by my continued problems. Reading the summary Dr. Maierle wrote for me for the retirement system disability review really bothered me. It makes me feel like I'm sicker than I realize. And if that's the case, why go on?

Woe

Woe, woe
all around.
I'm crumbing, stumbling, falling down
into the abyss
dark, lonely, without hope.