No Name Post

I have no idea what to name this post. I just have a few things to mention.

1) I was sick for three days and am so glad to finally be feeling better. I swam (and swam and swam) the last two days. 210 laps today. I am so tired. I hope I get to sleep quickly.
2) I am looking forward to being with family Saturday and the start of the college football season. Go Clemson!
3) I am happy my daughter got a job and hopefully she will be starting work sometime this week. She's had two trips to urgent care since she moved into her own place-once for a presumed spider bite and once for an upper respiratory infection. It's been a rough start to the school year for her but hopefully, nothing else will happen and she will be able to focus on school and work.
4) Jobs have come through for two people I know and in both instances, the pay/benefits are better than expected! I'm so happy for both of them.
5) I would love to have a man to sit on the couch with, to put his arm around me and kiss me. Yes, I said it. I little embarrassing to admit but true.

Off to bed for me.

Sunshine

I am so happy that the sun has been shining the past few days. Those rainy days were getting me down!! I swam 150 laps today which made me feel like a rock star. And I've lost 3 lbs. I am looking forward to celebrating my friend Mary's new job with her Friday night and to Saturday night out with the girls. Angel is starting her new job on Saturday and I am keeping my fingers crossed that she will manage her money well.

Here's to hoping the sunshine with be hanging around!

Friends

I've always been a social person and really did not have trouble making friends in the past. When I got married and moved here, my ex did not have much of a social circle and I seemed to struggle with making friends. I got to know some people at church and work but for the most part, I didn't do things with them outside of church/work. I kept up with some of my oldest and best friends but they do not live here and visits were few and far between. Since the divorce and moving into my apartment, I have only had one local friend with whom I do things (an old co-worker).

A few weeks ago I met a woman at the pool, Michelle. We've talked several times and seemed to click. Today at the pool, she introduced me to three other women. We are all in our 40's/early 50's, divorced, no children at home and not from Goose Creek. All of them moved here from out of state while married or after their divorces. I ended up being in the pool for three hours. Time flew. We all talked and shared and because of some commonalities in our backgrounds, could understand what the others are going through. They call themselves the "Lost Girls" for fun. I asked to join as I am lost, too. We all laughed over that. They have plans to have a girls night out next Saturday and invited me to go. The plan is to go somewhere downtown, or in MP (maybe Shem Creek).

Now the lack of confidence has set in. Did I talk to much? Reveal too much? Did they feel like they had to invite me to go next Saturday because it had come up in conversation? I hate this constant feeling of self doubt. Michelle and I exchanged cell numbers so I can text her when I find out the name of the jazz club in MP my counselor mentioned to me one time. I see him Wednesday and I'm sure he will boost my morale as he always does. I really hope that through these women I can form new friendships. That's something I would truly welcome.

To Move or Not To Move

After texting with my sister tonight it really got me to thinking. Should I move to Mt Pleasant or not? I would love to be closer to her and her family and to my dad. And I really like MP. However, bachelor level social workers don't make a lot and MP has a higher cost of living than where I am now. My monthly payment from my ex ends in 3 1/2 years so that also comes into play. I hesitate to move into my sister's condo (as she has so kindly offered) as I cannot pay her the rent it is worth and it would be hard for me to call her about maintenance issues. She will say pay what you can and of course call with maintenance issues. But I am tired of not being able to pay my own way 100%. I used to be so self sufficient. Having to borrow money from my dad has been so embarrassing for me. Also, there is the whole MP lifestyle thing. I don't feel that I would really fit in. Maybe that will change when I am working and have lost weight. A lot of this decision will depend on where I get a job when I am ready to start looking. I do think I will aim towards the MP area but who really knows what will happen.

I am thinking of joining the YMCA in Moncks Corner so I can continue swimming in the coming cooler months. It's only $35 per month with no contract so if I do move, it won't be a problem. If I had been smart, I would have been eating healthier while swimming so much this summer. I bet I would have lost 30 lbs by now. I had lost 40 lbs after my divorce but I gained back 13 after leaving my job. I've now lost 6 of that and I have definitely toned up some (I can tell in my clothes). But it could have been a lot more. I am ready to add healthy eating to my lifestyle and will continue to try and give up Coke Zero (no luck yet).

I have no love life and am really starting to miss that. I had shut down my feelings in that regard a while back but they are starting to resurface. It was easier when they were shut down. Sigh.

Just an FYI: the time posted on my blogs are PST. I cannot figure out how to switch it to EST. So tonight I am writing around 1:00 am, not 10:00 pm.

So much for Starting Again

I missed my counseling appointment on Thursday. I missed going to Mt Pleasant to see my family this weekend.. Both were mainly over anxiety over driving-to North Charleston for counseling and on the interstate to go to MP. But my depression also played a part.  A friend came over today to help cheer me up then she went with me to Publix. I'd been putting off going and the cupboards were getting rather bare.

I hated to miss the time with my family and I know I let them down. I was just so worried about having an anxiety attack on the interstate I had to cancel.

My shifts in my anxiety and depression are definitely cyclical and I think this next week will be better. I've rescheduled my counseling appointment for Thursday and hopefully I can get to MP next weekend.

I want things to be better so badly. Some days they are but then some days I struggle with not staying in bed all day. All in all I am better but I am ready to be off this roller coaster. As my counselor says, I am making progress but it's slow. I've got to figure out what I can do to help speed it up.

Feeling Oppressed

I've had headaches daily this week. My daughter's car is falling apart. She still has not heard about a dorm. I am seriously worried about making it through financially until the end of September. I feel alone and lost. Just the way it is today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Addendum: Now I feel guilty about my post. But I want to express my true feelings on this blog so I guess it stays.

Thoughts

Why does each post have to be named? I can never come up with a good title.

It was a dreary day today-not outside but in my heart and head. I awoke with a bad headache and had to take some medicine and lie back down. I later went to the pool. As I was entering the water I heard a girl say to her friend, "If I ever got that, fat I would shoot myself." Her friend them told her to shush. Now I can't guarantee that they were referring to me but I had walked past them. The comment really stung whether they were talking about me or not. I didn't stay at the pool long. When my daughter got home a couple of hours later she wanted to tell me about potentially getting an apartment with a friend from college if she doesn't get a dorm. I just had to tell her that I wasn't up to hearing about it right now. I am honestly dreading her moving out once the semester starts. She is good company for me and we do not butt heads as much as we used to. We truly are becoming closer and she can be great fun to be with. I am really fearing all the alone time I will have when she is in school and working, especially if she does not live at home. She and I went to the pool in the late afternoon and enjoyed socializing with some people there. That did help but I am still feeling somewhat down. I'm sure it will be better tomorrow as long as I don't have bad dreams tonight. I see my counselor tomorrow and will talk with him about dealing with Angel leaving and also about my dreams.

I am looking forward to my weekend in Mt Pleasant. Although when my sister told me about a small party we will be going to, I started to stress a little. I'm sure there will be a tour of the house and I worry about stairs. If I don't go on the upstairs tour, will I have people to talk to downstairs? I do feel somewhat uncomfortable in social situations because of my weight. Then I feel stupid for having these feelings as I always have a good time with my sister, her husband, and their friends. I seem to get anxious over the smallest things when before they didn't bother me. My anxiety is definitely better than it was but it still seems to crop up over things that would be simple to other people. I tend to over think everything!

Here's to hoping tomorrow is a better day. Maybe one of the books I ordered will come in the mail!

Nothing much to report

Not much has been going on so there is not much to blog about. I had more bad dreams during the week-another where my dog was sick, one that had moving in it and the others I can't really remember. I'm so perplexed by these dreams. I see my counselor Thursday and will discuss them with him. I should be writing them down so that we can try to decipher them.

I only met 2 of my goals for last week. I did swim a ton of laps and I did a little housework. I have been enjoying spending time with my daughter Angel-we laugh, we argue and we have fun together. After school starts our time together will be sporadic and I'm sure I will miss her, so I'm spending as  much time with her as I can, while I can. I am looking forward to going to Mt. Pleasant next weekend to see my sister, her family and my dad. We always have a great time together and being with my family is so good for my soul.

I did not make it to the library over the past week but I did order two large print books from Amazon. I got both (hardbacks) for $8.00. One is a biography of Grace Kelly and one is a biography of Bess Truman. Both were highly rated so hopefully they will be page turners.

Goal for this coming week-spend time in God's word, swim more laps, housework and getting out a little more.