I've been doing a lot of soul searching the last few days. I think it's time to put on my big girl pants, quit focusing on the negative, face some fears and make some positive changes.

Although there are biological components to my depression and anxiety, I still need to make the right choices for me and work towards recovery. I feel like I made some progress with this over the summer but this fall, I've really been slipping backwards. And I am tired of it.

More to come.

It's an emotional week but I am trying to focus on happy memories of my mom. There are so many. Baking delicious treats and always being there when I got home from elementary school. Helping out with my girl scout troop. Rocking me when I was sick. Calling just to say hi. Shopping trips and lunch out. Sitting in her church with her and seeing her enjoy the music so much. Sharing bible studies with her. I could go on and on. God blessed me with a wonderful mother and for that I am very thankful.

I haven't been able to go swimming. I am having body aches, headaches and chills again. I hope it's just PMS and not another infection. Time will tell. Doctor next week, if the symptoms don't disappear by then. I am not wanting to pay for more doctor visits and medicines so let's hope it's PMS.

So I missed my appointment with Dr. Silver last week due to anxiety. Won't be able to see him until Nov. 5th. Saw Dr. Naylor today. Keeping the meds the same for now but have to go back in a month. My anxiety has increased a lot. Will try and go swimming tomorrow. Hopefully get into a routine with that will help. Need to take my dog to the vet due to red irritated skin/itching but I know they will want to do allergy testing and I can't afford that. Benadryl (doctor approved) helps her some but makes her sleepy. Am tired of this life-constant worries about money, overwhelmed over little things, eating like there is a food shortage coming, inability to LIVE life. UGH! 

Later the same day: I feel guilty for the above post but Dr. Silver thinks I should use my blog like a journal so I will. My dog is not suffering and is happy so I'll just plan to take her to the vet if her skin gets to where it is affecting her adversely, such as being painful, open sores, etc. I just feel guilty that I can't afford the best for her. But from what I read online, tons of dogs have this issue and vets can't always help in any way that I am not already doing.

I know I should be thankful for all I do have in my life. Millions of people have problems that make mine seem so insignificant. More guilt now. I'm just so tired of laying in bed at night worried about money. Using my calculator several times a day to add and re-add figures. They never change but I seem so obsessed with it. Am I ever be able to work again? Sometimes it seems like it's a distant dream.

SWIMMING!!

I was so excited today when I saw the indoor pool I had found online! It's in a nice area of N. Charleston and is an absolutely gorgeous HUGE pool. It's about 20-25 minutes from my house and only costs $1.00 a day to use it. It was nice to see school kids there learning to swim (still with plenty of lap lanes open for other people to swim).  Swimming has always been my favorite activity and I was so glad to see children who wouldn't normally get swim lessons, getting them. Maybe I can figure out a way to volunteer with that program. I will be starting Wednesday and plan to go at least 3 times a week. I AM SO EXCITED I FEEL LIKE A KID ON CHRISTMAS EVE!!

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

We will start with the good news. I am feeling better physically (yay) and am going to look at the indoor pool I found in North Charleston. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will meet my needs and not be too much of a drive.

The bad news is I am still struggling somewhat financially. I have accumulated some medical bills I am anxious to pay off, car insurance is due in a month and a couple of my monthly bills are increasing (electric and rent). Things will settle down in a few months but I am so stressed worrying about money issues.

The ugly news is I had a dream this morning about mom being sick and needing to be in the hospital. This dream also had a twist I had not experienced before. It threw me for a loop. When I awoke, I felt the kind of deep despair I had not experienced in quite some time. I haven't had a dream about mom in a while but with her birthday and the anniversary of her death coming up, I guess it's inevitable. I'm seeing my counselor Tuesday which is good. I am going to try to stay positive moving through this time and through the holidays. I was watching a First Lady episode on C-Span last Monday. It was on Grace Coolidge. She and her husband lost one of their sons when he was a teenager from a sudden illness. Of course both of them grieved deeply but per the author of a biography on Grace, when they would have family gatherings, while Calvin would focus on who wasn't there, she would focus on who was there. Quite different perspectives but hers seems to be the most healthy. I am going to try and make that my focus on time with family over the holidays-who IS there.

Well, I'm so glad I keep my three month routine followup with my doctor today. She found that I have a UTI and although I did not have typical symptoms, I am hoping the achiness and chills I've been having were due to this and that the antibiotic clears those things up. If not, it's back to the doctor for more investigation. My flu-like symptoms never kept me from swimming though so I am still going to pursue doing that at an indoor pool. Hopefully, I get to scope it out this weekend and see if the pool I found will suit my needs.

I was just listening to a great discussion on mental illness on the show Chris Fabry Live on Moody radio (part of Moody Bible Institute). Thankfully, people are realizing that mental illness is an illness. The same as having diabetes, high blood pressure or even a broken leg. It is not a sign of weakness and needs to be treated as the illness it is. They also mentioned that someone suffering from depression being told to "just buck up" is so disheartening. I can attest to that myself. I feel so guilty about even having depression and anxiety, which doesn't help. Being depressed makes me isolate, which makes things worse.

So far, it's been a pretty good week. I just want to feel better physically. I have successfully completed one whole day without drinking any Coke Zero!! Only one million to go!

Addendum at 8:00 a.m. the next morning. Goodness I feel like crap. Woke with in a sweat-maybe broke a fever? Ugh.