Melancholy

It's Christmas week and I can't seem to shake this deep feeling of melancholy. Christmas seems to get harder each year. And this year Angel is living in Hawaii and Barbara is no longer with us. Between the Daniels, McDonalds, and  Hacketts, we only have dad left as a parent. I've really been missing Angel a great deal and hate that she will pretty much be alone in in Hawaii for Christmas since her friends are able to fly home to be with their families. I so miss the Daniels family traditions and our years with Robert and Bradley when they were young.

I am having that strong and severe feeling of sadness and loneliness and this time I just can't seem to shake it. I can't seem to get my mind to shut off. I miss mom so much it hurts. I know we all are going to have a difficult Christmas this year, especially Jay and Ann.

My fear of death has gotten worse and every little glitch that happens with my health seems to just reinforce the fear.

I am glad that I moved to Mount Pleasant but my problems came with me so the happiness of being over here has been overshadowed by my continued problems. Reading the summary Dr. Maierle wrote for me for the retirement system disability review really bothered me. It makes me feel like I'm sicker than I realize. And if that's the case, why go on?

Woe

Woe, woe
all around.
I'm crumbing, stumbling, falling down
into the abyss
dark, lonely, without hope.

Frustration

I am so tired of my life. No purpose. My daughter always taking advantage of me. People saying they want me to tell them what's going on with me but then when I tell them they just don't seem to understand but want to offer solutions that aren't always appropriate to my situation. Then they get frustrated when I don't take their advice . I'm going to stop telling anybody anything. I feel like the only person who understands me is Mary.

Past vs Future

In the last 30 minutes or so I have been feeling such anger towards John. Feelings of hatred and betrayal. I am so tired of living in the past. I know my only way out of my past is looking to and making a future but that seems to be beyond my abilities right now. I've been very sad today. Probably somewhat related to hormones, but I can't blame that for everything. I need change to happen. I know it's in my hands to facilitate change but I just don't know what to do. Everything I try seems to fizzle out so quickly. My health has been so bothersome this summer that I haven't been out to the pool nearly as much as I would like. Or need to be. Hopefully I can see my doctor next week and I'm seeing Dr Naylor Wednesday. I don't know if I should continue with the Viibryd or not. Effexor might be just as effective and it costs $54.00 less.

Chins

I just saw myself in the camera on my phone. I now have three chins. Disgusting.

Angel

I am so frustrated with Angel. She has been in Hawaii almost a month and has done next to nothing to find a job. I hope she's not using her friends like she has used me. It's definitely not helping my mental state.

Heidi

I can't properly care for Heidi. it's not fair to her and makes me feel terrible.

The Bottom

No, not feeling sorry for myself. I'm sinking.

Caring

I barely spoke to anyone all week. Now I haven't spoken to anyone at allI in 2 days and no one has even checked on me.

Me

I'm not number one in anyone's life. it makes me very sad.

Why

Why does my anxiety and depression fluctuate so much? Yesterday was a good day and I got in a lot of swimming. Today I feel anxious and depressed and can hardly get out of bed. Taking more xanax than prescribed and have to be careful about not running out before June 10. This sucks. I just want to sleep my life away so that I can avoid the emotional pain and constant worry. I think I need more help than I am getting but I don't know what to do. Hopefully the Group my counselor is starting in June will help if I can make it to the sessions.

Ugh

Today is an overwhelmingly sad day. I can't seem to shake it. all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep to get relief from all these negative thoughts and worries I have. I just took six xanax so that it would knock me out. not good. I need help.

I wish I could just have someone to take over, make decisions for me, and handle them but I'm a Type A personality and like to be in charge so that would be difficult.

I had a horrible thought earlier. I could poison Heidi so that I wouldn't have to care for her anymore. I was mortified that even entered my mind and I would never do it but I guess it just goes to show the state I'm in.