Heidi

I can't properly care for Heidi. it's not fair to her and makes me feel terrible.

The Bottom

No, not feeling sorry for myself. I'm sinking.

Caring

I barely spoke to anyone all week. Now I haven't spoken to anyone at allI in 2 days and no one has even checked on me.

Me

I'm not number one in anyone's life. it makes me very sad.

Why

Why does my anxiety and depression fluctuate so much? Yesterday was a good day and I got in a lot of swimming. Today I feel anxious and depressed and can hardly get out of bed. Taking more xanax than prescribed and have to be careful about not running out before June 10. This sucks. I just want to sleep my life away so that I can avoid the emotional pain and constant worry. I think I need more help than I am getting but I don't know what to do. Hopefully the Group my counselor is starting in June will help if I can make it to the sessions.

Ugh

Today is an overwhelmingly sad day. I can't seem to shake it. all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep to get relief from all these negative thoughts and worries I have. I just took six xanax so that it would knock me out. not good. I need help.

I wish I could just have someone to take over, make decisions for me, and handle them but I'm a Type A personality and like to be in charge so that would be difficult.

I had a horrible thought earlier. I could poison Heidi so that I wouldn't have to care for her anymore. I was mortified that even entered my mind and I would never do it but I guess it just goes to show the state I'm in.

Longing

Sometimes I feel so desperate in my longing  that it feels too painful to go on. But go on I must.  At times I so crave a hand to hold but there's no one there.