Today was definitely a better day. I got up at a decent hour, showered, put on makeup and styled my hair. I went to publix then picked up Heidi from the boarders. she was so happy to see me and I was happy to see her. The rest of the day went on normally. I didn't get any laundry done but there is plenty of time for that tomorrow. The downside of the day was when I went to take a picture of myself on my camera phone (good hair day) and saw the result. All I could think was who is that ugly fat pig staring back at me. I have got to do something about my weight and get healthy.

The New Year

Well, I was looking forward to the start of the new year. Certainly 2014 would be better than 2013. And I do have the hope that it will be. Unfortunately, upon returning home Jan. 3rd after spending a good deal of time with my family over the holidays, I fell into a depression. I guess it could be called the post holidays blues but I really think it is primarily loneliness. I was okay on the 3rd. Happy to be home in fact. But the 4th and the 5th were awful. I felt I couldn't leave home due to anxiety and I slept most of the time due to depression, not getting up until late afternoon. My cupboards are totally bare so I ordered food to be delivered and spent way too much money which in and of itself is depressing. And it was fattening food (the only available to be delivered in Goose Creek). I had lost about 10 lbs over the holidays since I was more active and didn't spend all day eating donuts and chocolate as I am want to do. I imagine I have gained some of that back :(

Tomorrow is a new day. I plan to get up at a decent hour, shower, go to the grocery store, pick up Heidi from the boarders and do laundry. Yes, I left Heidi at the boarders over the weekend. A bad idea financially but I didn't feel I could care for her. I've had to board her a couple of times in the last few months when my depression has gotten bad. I talked to the owner about taking Heidi if it ever got to where I just could no longer keep her. She said either she would take her (they love her there) or find someone who would. I love my dog and hope it doesn't come to that. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with having to care for her and I know she is happier around other dogs.

A word about my blog. I am using this as a journal and a way to get things off my chest. If it upsets anyone to see negative posts please just don't read the blog. I need this to help me purge these feelings and usually once I write, I feel a weight has lifted.

I just heard a very interesting interview with a Christian author about food addiction. I definitely fall into the category of a food addict. One thing she said she peaked my interest is that while some food cravings are biological (such as sugar and other trigger foods), I may be trying to fill my cravings for other things with food. Now to figure out what those other things are. Love? God? Companionship? Financial security?

It's been a long time since I have posted due to problems I was having signing in to my blog. Hopefully that won't happen again as I don't want to start another one!

Now to catch up: I've gained 20 lbs, am sleeping too much, and am lonely. That about sums it up. I am looking forward to time with my family this coming week but I am worried about it, too. I have little to no energy and feel emotionally vacant. Hopefully being with them will help me out of my slump. The extra 20 lbs is miserable. I've been eating to stuff down my emotions which is never good. At least I know that's why I am doing it but I feel like I can't stop. I've even been wondering if I ever should have gotten divorced. Crazy. At my last appointment, I asked my counselor if he thought I would ever work again. He feels that if I can ever get over the agoraphobia I have, then I could definitely work. I told him I hope so as I cannot imagine living the rest of my life this way.  

Need to Vent

I had to go back to the doctor today. Now I have an upper respiratory infection (potential pneumonia was mentioned) and a urinary tract infection. I'm on an antibiotic that is supposed to cover both infections. It's one I've never taken which is scary since I am allergic to 4 different antibiotic groups. And two I became allergic to the first time I took them. I've had to board my dog which I can't really afford as I cannot care for her at least for a few days. I get short of breath quickly with any activity so walking her is not possible right now. I was so excited about finding the indoor pool and soon after, got my first bladder infection. I was sick last week but hoped to chalk it up to PMS so I put off going to the doctor until today. Now I wish I had gone last week and caught this thing earlier. It's all so frustrating and I don't understand what is causing this. I know stress compromises the immune system so maybe that is playing a part. I have a couple of stressors right now that I worry about constantly which doesn't help. I really need to do better about turning things over to the Lord.

Okay. That's it. Got it off my chest. Hopefully the antibiotic will kick in quickly and I will be better soon. Please please please please please.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching the last few days. I think it's time to put on my big girl pants, quit focusing on the negative, face some fears and make some positive changes.

Although there are biological components to my depression and anxiety, I still need to make the right choices for me and work towards recovery. I feel like I made some progress with this over the summer but this fall, I've really been slipping backwards. And I am tired of it.

More to come.

It's an emotional week but I am trying to focus on happy memories of my mom. There are so many. Baking delicious treats and always being there when I got home from elementary school. Helping out with my girl scout troop. Rocking me when I was sick. Calling just to say hi. Shopping trips and lunch out. Sitting in her church with her and seeing her enjoy the music so much. Sharing bible studies with her. I could go on and on. God blessed me with a wonderful mother and for that I am very thankful.

I haven't been able to go swimming. I am having body aches, headaches and chills again. I hope it's just PMS and not another infection. Time will tell. Doctor next week, if the symptoms don't disappear by then. I am not wanting to pay for more doctor visits and medicines so let's hope it's PMS.