Perplexed

Something really perplexed me today. I was talking to my dad and he asked if I would maybe take a trip to Florence with him next week. I told him that going during the week might be difficult as I will likely stay with my friend Nancy and she works during the week. Also, I cannot afford to board my dog Heidi right now. Of course, he said if I couldn't go he understood. I did tell him I would think about it. After we hung up, I started feeling so anxious. I want to go to Florence, especially for my dad. I haven't been since he moved down here after mom died. I'd love to see friends and family and travel familiar roads. I really never ever wanted to leave Florence, but marriage took me away. If dad had never moved down here, when my ex and I separated I would have moved back to Florence with my daughter as soon as I could. I think waiting so long to go makes it harder. I really don't understand why my response to it was anxiety. I'll be glad to discuss that with my counselor next week. I am going to make a goal to go to Florence soon with my dad. I'm just not sure when.

I've never been back to the cemetery to see my mom's grave since she died. I have no desire to see it. I know she isn't really there but is in heaven. Dad has expressed that he feels he has deserted her by moving away from Florence and he wishes he could visit her grave as often as he likes so that he could talk to her. That breaks my heart and of course, I will take him to the cemetery when we do go to Florence if he asks me to. I'll dread it I'm sure, but I will do it for him.

I think I swam about 100 laps today between two trips to the pool. That makes me happy!! Now they are the short laps (the width of the pool, not the length of the pool). But for me that is huge progress. I have decided to give up soda. My daughter mentioned doing that herself today and I am going to join her in her endeavor. I am so addicted to Coke Zero it's ridiculous. My grocery bill will definitely go down!! The next few days will be tough but I will persevere.

Bye, Bye Blahs

For some reason my blahs have left me. Maybe it was hormones. lol. Whatever the reason, I am glad they are gone. Goals for this week-spending time in God's word, housework, swimming laps and going to the library. I am watching way too much television and I need to get some books. The problem is I need large print and our local library only has novels in large print. I am much more interested in reading biographies and history but hopefully, I'll find a novel that's a page turner. I  probably have over two hundred books at home and would definitely love to read some of them again. Too bad they are all regular print. Maybe I will try some stronger reading glasses. It's weird. I was always such an avid reader but my eyes tire so easily now, even with large print books. Isn't aging fun!

Blah, Blah, Blah

I've been feeling so blah the last two days. Not sure why. Can't always chalk things up to hormones. I was very hurt that my daughter did nothing for my birthday but that was days ago. I am immensely worried about money. That's nothing new but it's worse now than before. I'm still swimming but even that's not doing the trick. I guess I'll just keep plugging away and remember the old adage "This too will pass".

Okay, here we go!

I have made a committment that my 49th year of life will be a new beginning so I will try to leave the past in the past and look to the future. I had a wonderful pre-birthday lunch hosted by my sister Kristen and a great post birthday lunch with my sister Kim. I got text messages from my ex on my birthday and the day after that I DID NOT respond to which was a positive step for me. I spent my birthday swimming and just taking it easy. I always miss my mom more on special occasions so I was a little down on my actual birthday, but now that it has passed I feel I can focus on this new year.

I'll be coming up with and listing some goals on a blog soon. Until then, enjoy life!!

Happiness

I want to post something on the bright side today. I was so happy the pool reopened today after being closed for two days for cleaning. Doing laps and being in the sunshine made me feel so alive. My face and chest got fried but that's okay. It was worth it. Tomorrow I will be taking my sister Kim to the airport. She is going to Texas to visit her son, his wife and most importantly her granddaughter Maggie. How we all loved meeting Maggie when she was here with her parents in June. Of course we were so happy to see Robert and Sarah but meeting Maggie was so joyous to me. She is named for my mother, Margaret. How my mom would have adored her.

Sunday my dad and I will be going to my sister Kristen's house for my birthday lunch. She and her husband Jay. Kristen and Jay are FABULOUS cooks. I am turning 49 on the 23rd and instead of focusing on the number (which is a little daunting), I am looking at this new year in my life as an opportunity for new beginnings. On July 24th I will be seeing my sister Kim after she returns from Texas and we are going to lunch. I love my family so much and appreciate the things they do to make my birthday special. I hope I will get to see my daughter Angel also. She is working in Myrtle Beach for the summer but I hope she can make a short trip home to share in some birthday fun with me.

It's been fun to see that some people from Europe have seen my blog. Everyone is welcome to leave a comment!

Dreams

Praying for good dreams (or no dreams) tonight. Early this morning I had a dream in which my mother and I were packing clothes (don't know why). I came to the realization that she is dead and started crying. Thankfully my phone rang just then and woke me up. After I went back to sleep I dreamt that I came upon my dog Heidi outside and she was hurt. I was very upset and carried her to my house. That's all I remember.

I've had one other dream where I realize my mother is dead. In the dream she was sitting on the edge of my bed and was talking to me (I don't know what she was saying). I then said with alarm "What are you doing here? You're dead". I woke up at that moment.

In the past, in my dreams about my mom, she's been was angry at me and will not talk to me. They also involved moving or being in a new home. My mom was such a gentle, sweet woman who loved me very much. My counselor thinks that maybe those dreams are a result of me feeling some guilt in her death although there was nothing I could have done. The moving part may have to do with my dad selling the house and moving to a retirement community in the Charleston area (which was a good choice). Or me having to move after my divorce. Those dreams finally stopped.

I don't know why these new dreams have started. I just want them to stop.

Here are the things that plague me:

What if I had never gotten married and moved away from Florence? I would have been around her much more and maybe known or picked up on the health issue sooner.

What if I had pushed for her to be admitted to the hospital when I was with her at the ER visit? I did ask about it but just accepted the ER doctor's response.

Why didn't I ask the ER doctor to order an abdominal x-ray? If he had we would have known the answer to the problem sooner which may have changed the outcome.

I know I have to quit playing the "what if" game. And my mother certainly wouldn't have wanted me to blame myself. I am doing much better in this area than I was but whenever I have one of those dreams, it brings the whole situation back up. I have no idea what triggers the dreams. I'll be glad to see my counselor next week and discuss this with him.

Swimming

Right now the biggest pleasure I have in my life is swimming. How I love it. Especially on a hot, sunny day. It calms and relaxes me and at the same time energizes me. I have been swimming laps 1-2 times per day and am feeling more confident and happy than I have for months. I am dreading the rainy days ahead. I'm also worried about what I will do when swimming season is over. None of the fitness centers in my area have indoor pools. But for now, I will enjoy every chance I have to be in the water. And the sun (without sweating!).

How Ironic

I was thinking last night as I lay in bed awaiting sleep how ironic it is that when I met my Mr. X in 2003 (on a Christian dating website no less), I was going to counseling and seeing a psychiatrist for depression and just not being happy with the way my life was going. It had been nine years since I had been in a relationship. Oh, I had been on a couple of dates (guys met through other dating sites) but nothing had developed from those. I was somewhat active in church but really wasn't involved in other clubs or ministries as I had been before. I was filling the void in my life with shopping (and ended up with the credit card debt to prove it). I had been praying that when I met Mr. Right he and I would both know it was God's will that we be together and that things would move quickly. Well, when I met Mr. X I assumed this was it. The man God sent me. Looking back I cannot say it wasn't God's will. If I hadn't married Mr. X and moved to the Charleston area, I would never had met that 13 year old girl in foster care named Angel. I'll save that story for another blog but I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was God's will that Angel become my daughter. But getting married at 39 after being alone for so long was a tough transition. I never saw Mr. X's moodiness or temper while we were dating. Nor had he shared a couple of bombshells with me from his earlier life until after we had been married for a year. Adding a 13 year old daughter with emotional scars to the mix two years later had it's own challenges. I know I've never been a perfect mother but Mr. X was certainly not cut out to be a father.

Now, 10 years later, I am back in counseling and seeing a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety. Do I want to meet a new Mr. X one day? I don't know the answer to that question. I have a terrible track record with men and just don't trust myself. I'll never say never but I cannot imagine being married again. Right now the thought of even going on a date makes me feel like I am going to have an anxiety attack. At this point in my life I am going to just focus on healing-mind, body and spirit.

Starting Again

I have a lot to say and have decided that now is the time to start saying it.

I plan to use this blog to chronicle the last 9-10 years of my life and try to figure out why it has culminated in so deep a depression and crippling an anxiety that I am not able to work. I do intend to get back to work. I just don't know when that will be. I am doing much better than I was a year ago and since February when I had to quit working. But I still have a lot to sort out. I also don't think the people closest to me really understand all that has happened. Hell, I don't even understand it. I used to feel like such a strong person. That has melted away and I often feel like I have dissolved into a puddle.

I spent years in a destructive marriage being forced like a round peg into a square hole. That's the best way I can describe it. I lost myself. As my dad says, lots of people have gone through divorce. But as I have told him, no one else was married to or went through a divorce with my Mr. X. Not that I was perfect. Far from it. I tried. God knows I did. But I realized within 6 months to a year into my marriage that I had made a huge mistake. It took 7 years to get up the courage to leave and 8 to be divorced. It should have been for adultery but I ended accepting "irreconcilable differences" to get it all over with. There were plenty of irreconcilable differences so that was true. As well as the adultery.

I am going to try and blog daily or at least several times a week. I've started before and failed to be disciplined about it. The name of my blog means many things to me. Starting my life over again. Starting my relationship with God over again (not that He ever gave up on me. I've realized I gave up on Him). Starting a blog over again. The list goes on.

Thank goodness for second (and third and fourth) chances.