Dreams

Praying for good dreams (or no dreams) tonight. Early this morning I had a dream in which my mother and I were packing clothes (don't know why). I came to the realization that she is dead and started crying. Thankfully my phone rang just then and woke me up. After I went back to sleep I dreamt that I came upon my dog Heidi outside and she was hurt. I was very upset and carried her to my house. That's all I remember.

I've had one other dream where I realize my mother is dead. In the dream she was sitting on the edge of my bed and was talking to me (I don't know what she was saying). I then said with alarm "What are you doing here? You're dead". I woke up at that moment.

In the past, in my dreams about my mom, she's been was angry at me and will not talk to me. They also involved moving or being in a new home. My mom was such a gentle, sweet woman who loved me very much. My counselor thinks that maybe those dreams are a result of me feeling some guilt in her death although there was nothing I could have done. The moving part may have to do with my dad selling the house and moving to a retirement community in the Charleston area (which was a good choice). Or me having to move after my divorce. Those dreams finally stopped.

I don't know why these new dreams have started. I just want them to stop.

Here are the things that plague me:

What if I had never gotten married and moved away from Florence? I would have been around her much more and maybe known or picked up on the health issue sooner.

What if I had pushed for her to be admitted to the hospital when I was with her at the ER visit? I did ask about it but just accepted the ER doctor's response.

Why didn't I ask the ER doctor to order an abdominal x-ray? If he had we would have known the answer to the problem sooner which may have changed the outcome.

I know I have to quit playing the "what if" game. And my mother certainly wouldn't have wanted me to blame myself. I am doing much better in this area than I was but whenever I have one of those dreams, it brings the whole situation back up. I have no idea what triggers the dreams. I'll be glad to see my counselor next week and discuss this with him.