Starting Again

I have a lot to say and have decided that now is the time to start saying it.

I plan to use this blog to chronicle the last 9-10 years of my life and try to figure out why it has culminated in so deep a depression and crippling an anxiety that I am not able to work. I do intend to get back to work. I just don't know when that will be. I am doing much better than I was a year ago and since February when I had to quit working. But I still have a lot to sort out. I also don't think the people closest to me really understand all that has happened. Hell, I don't even understand it. I used to feel like such a strong person. That has melted away and I often feel like I have dissolved into a puddle.

I spent years in a destructive marriage being forced like a round peg into a square hole. That's the best way I can describe it. I lost myself. As my dad says, lots of people have gone through divorce. But as I have told him, no one else was married to or went through a divorce with my Mr. X. Not that I was perfect. Far from it. I tried. God knows I did. But I realized within 6 months to a year into my marriage that I had made a huge mistake. It took 7 years to get up the courage to leave and 8 to be divorced. It should have been for adultery but I ended accepting "irreconcilable differences" to get it all over with. There were plenty of irreconcilable differences so that was true. As well as the adultery.

I am going to try and blog daily or at least several times a week. I've started before and failed to be disciplined about it. The name of my blog means many things to me. Starting my life over again. Starting my relationship with God over again (not that He ever gave up on me. I've realized I gave up on Him). Starting a blog over again. The list goes on.

Thank goodness for second (and third and fourth) chances.