How Ironic

I was thinking last night as I lay in bed awaiting sleep how ironic it is that when I met my Mr. X in 2003 (on a Christian dating website no less), I was going to counseling and seeing a psychiatrist for depression and just not being happy with the way my life was going. It had been nine years since I had been in a relationship. Oh, I had been on a couple of dates (guys met through other dating sites) but nothing had developed from those. I was somewhat active in church but really wasn't involved in other clubs or ministries as I had been before. I was filling the void in my life with shopping (and ended up with the credit card debt to prove it). I had been praying that when I met Mr. Right he and I would both know it was God's will that we be together and that things would move quickly. Well, when I met Mr. X I assumed this was it. The man God sent me. Looking back I cannot say it wasn't God's will. If I hadn't married Mr. X and moved to the Charleston area, I would never had met that 13 year old girl in foster care named Angel. I'll save that story for another blog but I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was God's will that Angel become my daughter. But getting married at 39 after being alone for so long was a tough transition. I never saw Mr. X's moodiness or temper while we were dating. Nor had he shared a couple of bombshells with me from his earlier life until after we had been married for a year. Adding a 13 year old daughter with emotional scars to the mix two years later had it's own challenges. I know I've never been a perfect mother but Mr. X was certainly not cut out to be a father.

Now, 10 years later, I am back in counseling and seeing a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety. Do I want to meet a new Mr. X one day? I don't know the answer to that question. I have a terrible track record with men and just don't trust myself. I'll never say never but I cannot imagine being married again. Right now the thought of even going on a date makes me feel like I am going to have an anxiety attack. At this point in my life I am going to just focus on healing-mind, body and spirit.