I just heard a very interesting interview with a Christian author about food addiction. I definitely fall into the category of a food addict. One thing she said she peaked my interest is that while some food cravings are biological (such as sugar and other trigger foods), I may be trying to fill my cravings for other things with food. Now to figure out what those other things are. Love? God? Companionship? Financial security?

It's been a long time since I have posted due to problems I was having signing in to my blog. Hopefully that won't happen again as I don't want to start another one!

Now to catch up: I've gained 20 lbs, am sleeping too much, and am lonely. That about sums it up. I am looking forward to time with my family this coming week but I am worried about it, too. I have little to no energy and feel emotionally vacant. Hopefully being with them will help me out of my slump. The extra 20 lbs is miserable. I've been eating to stuff down my emotions which is never good. At least I know that's why I am doing it but I feel like I can't stop. I've even been wondering if I ever should have gotten divorced. Crazy. At my last appointment, I asked my counselor if he thought I would ever work again. He feels that if I can ever get over the agoraphobia I have, then I could definitely work. I told him I hope so as I cannot imagine living the rest of my life this way.  

Need to Vent

I had to go back to the doctor today. Now I have an upper respiratory infection (potential pneumonia was mentioned) and a urinary tract infection. I'm on an antibiotic that is supposed to cover both infections. It's one I've never taken which is scary since I am allergic to 4 different antibiotic groups. And two I became allergic to the first time I took them. I've had to board my dog which I can't really afford as I cannot care for her at least for a few days. I get short of breath quickly with any activity so walking her is not possible right now. I was so excited about finding the indoor pool and soon after, got my first bladder infection. I was sick last week but hoped to chalk it up to PMS so I put off going to the doctor until today. Now I wish I had gone last week and caught this thing earlier. It's all so frustrating and I don't understand what is causing this. I know stress compromises the immune system so maybe that is playing a part. I have a couple of stressors right now that I worry about constantly which doesn't help. I really need to do better about turning things over to the Lord.

Okay. That's it. Got it off my chest. Hopefully the antibiotic will kick in quickly and I will be better soon. Please please please please please.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching the last few days. I think it's time to put on my big girl pants, quit focusing on the negative, face some fears and make some positive changes.

Although there are biological components to my depression and anxiety, I still need to make the right choices for me and work towards recovery. I feel like I made some progress with this over the summer but this fall, I've really been slipping backwards. And I am tired of it.

More to come.

It's an emotional week but I am trying to focus on happy memories of my mom. There are so many. Baking delicious treats and always being there when I got home from elementary school. Helping out with my girl scout troop. Rocking me when I was sick. Calling just to say hi. Shopping trips and lunch out. Sitting in her church with her and seeing her enjoy the music so much. Sharing bible studies with her. I could go on and on. God blessed me with a wonderful mother and for that I am very thankful.

I haven't been able to go swimming. I am having body aches, headaches and chills again. I hope it's just PMS and not another infection. Time will tell. Doctor next week, if the symptoms don't disappear by then. I am not wanting to pay for more doctor visits and medicines so let's hope it's PMS.

So I missed my appointment with Dr. Silver last week due to anxiety. Won't be able to see him until Nov. 5th. Saw Dr. Naylor today. Keeping the meds the same for now but have to go back in a month. My anxiety has increased a lot. Will try and go swimming tomorrow. Hopefully get into a routine with that will help. Need to take my dog to the vet due to red irritated skin/itching but I know they will want to do allergy testing and I can't afford that. Benadryl (doctor approved) helps her some but makes her sleepy. Am tired of this life-constant worries about money, overwhelmed over little things, eating like there is a food shortage coming, inability to LIVE life. UGH! 

Later the same day: I feel guilty for the above post but Dr. Silver thinks I should use my blog like a journal so I will. My dog is not suffering and is happy so I'll just plan to take her to the vet if her skin gets to where it is affecting her adversely, such as being painful, open sores, etc. I just feel guilty that I can't afford the best for her. But from what I read online, tons of dogs have this issue and vets can't always help in any way that I am not already doing.

I know I should be thankful for all I do have in my life. Millions of people have problems that make mine seem so insignificant. More guilt now. I'm just so tired of laying in bed at night worried about money. Using my calculator several times a day to add and re-add figures. They never change but I seem so obsessed with it. Am I ever be able to work again? Sometimes it seems like it's a distant dream.

SWIMMING!!

I was so excited today when I saw the indoor pool I had found online! It's in a nice area of N. Charleston and is an absolutely gorgeous HUGE pool. It's about 20-25 minutes from my house and only costs $1.00 a day to use it. It was nice to see school kids there learning to swim (still with plenty of lap lanes open for other people to swim).  Swimming has always been my favorite activity and I was so glad to see children who wouldn't normally get swim lessons, getting them. Maybe I can figure out a way to volunteer with that program. I will be starting Wednesday and plan to go at least 3 times a week. I AM SO EXCITED I FEEL LIKE A KID ON CHRISTMAS EVE!!