My older sister reminded me that she did set me up with someone, too. It had slipped my mind as I have tried to block out the memory of that relationship. lol. Not her fault. She was fooled by him, too.

Okay. So yesterday I put some of my negative self talk out there and it did nothing but make me feel vulnerable. It was not cathartic. I do not feel like the self talk is absurd because I believe it. I've been told my whole life that I have a great personality, am pretty, intelligent and caring. Well, let me ask this. Why is it always women who say these things? Men never do. Why has no one ever tried to set me up with someone? Ever.

I come across to any people as confident but believe me, a lot of self doubt lies below the surface. And some of that has to do with my past relationships with men and the fact that I never dated much. As my sister so wisely told me recently, none of the men in the long term relationships I've had ever gave me what I needed to feel loved. I've always felt less than and unworthy.

Now I realize that my self worth should not be tied to a man. And that it's no one's responsibility but my own to make myself happy. But I have never had a fulfilling relationship with a man and I would really love to have that at some point in my life. To know what it feels like. To feel adored (and adore him back). Maybe that will never happen and if it doesn't, so be it. I need to create a full life without it. But that's where I feel stymied. I want someone to share things with. To have companionship.

I know I have to work on myself before a healthy relationship can happen. I need a clean slate so I can start over. But all that old baggage is dragging me down and until I can let go of it, I cannot make much progress.

09/29/13 Addendum: I have no idea how this above blog wound up being about men but the words were flowing so I just typed. And I did get to thinking, I was set up on 2 blind dates-one in college and one when I was in my 30's. Nothing came of either but at least each matchmaker tried. lol.

Someone suggested to me that writing out my negative thoughts about myself may be helpful so I'll give it a shot. Many of them aren't "negative thoughts" about myself but fears.

I'm ugly, fat, unlovable, no one cares, my life is over, I'm stupid, I'm a loser, I'll never be able to work again, no one will ever want a relationship with me again, I'm so deep in this hole I can't get out, I suck at being a mother, I'm tired of trying, people have forgotten about me and why not-who would want to be around me. There are more but I can't voice them all. Some I know are unfounded but my biggest fear is that some of them are true and that my life truly is over.  

I know getting well is something that I have to work on and that it's up to me to make changes. I just feel so lost.

Negativity

I haven't been blogging recently as my mind is filled with negative self talk and writing down all the negativity may give it too much power. I have been listening to uplifting Christian talk radio shows and am working on internalizing and applying the things I have heard but thus far I have not been successful.

I got my first Social Security Disability check today, which was a relief financially, but all I could think was "Now I am officially a loser". If I had a physical disability I'm sure I wouldn't feel that way. But the fact that my disability is mental makes me shutter.

Well, I made it to my counseling appointment. Dr. Silver was so happy with my swimming and weight loss. I did tell him that my mood had improved greatly but that it now seems to be getting down again. He encouraged me not to focus on my worries (when will my SS review happen? when will I be ready to get a job, financial struggles, the list seems to go on and on) but to focus on what I have accomplished. I just can't seem to shake this feeling of depression. I usually leave counseling sessions feeling more upbeat but that didn't happen today.

I'm going to try and go tour the Moncks Corner YMCA sometime this week as the pool is really starting to get too cold for me to swim in, especially with the rain today and temps dipping into the 60's at night. I may not be able to join until next month due to the cost but I at least want to go see the facility.

To be perfectly honest, I just feel the need for someone to take care of me, hug me for hours and help in cheer up in general. I am tired of this funk and I don't seem to be able to fix it.

Struggling Again

I was so down last week and I just don't know why. There were times I wanted to burst into tears (but never did) and days when I spent too much time in bed. I did swim daily-most of the time twice a day. My high as far as the number of laps per day was 336. Other days I did between 200 and 300. I'm seeing my counselor tomorrow and am interested in discussing my recent change in mood. It seems like the month of August really saw a change for the better with my depression (for the most part). Now I feel like I am sliding back. I've been thinking about my mom much more lately. I cannot believe it's been almost four years since I gave her that final kiss goodbye (I didn't know it was final at the time). How I would treasure just one more moment with her.

Time to stop writing. The tears are starting to flow.

Back I go (for today)

I just haven't felt like myself these past two days. I feel like I have taken a step backwards. I'm swimming as much as I can but I feel tired and worn out. I have had stomach problems and anxiety/depression has reared it's ugly head. I am doing more to stay busy (housework, errands, swimming twice a day) so I am perplexed as to why I am in a funk. Maybe the coming weather change and not being able to swim outdoors for much longer is playing a part. It will take a lot more effort to drive to the YMCA for my daily swims and I am worried about fizzling out. My mom's birthday and the anniversary of her death are also approaching in the next couple of months so that may be a factor. I've been listening nightly to a discussion on the book "My Own Worst Enemy" and I have to say it's leading to some soul searching. I need to order the book and start a personal study of it along with the stories of women in the bible that go along with it. I've been surprised about how this book it hitting me and I need to dig deeper. The chapter I listened to tonight dealt with re-creating yourself after loss (all kinds of losses-death, job, divorce, health to name a few). When I think of all the loss I've had in the past several years, it's hard to bear. I had to stop listening early I felt so overwhelmed.

Progress!

I've still been swimming daily and have increased the number of laps I do. Yesterday I did 220 and today I did 300. I feel like I am training for the plus sized women's Olympics! I'm down 3 more lbs for a total of 41 lbs. My original weight loss of 40 lbs started sometime in early 2012 when my depression was at it's worst. Then I gained 13 lbs when I stopped working in February of this year. I'm glad to be losing again in a healthy way. I still need to work some on my eating habits but that will come. I feel so much better mentally and physically that continuing to swim is a must. When the outdoor pool here is to cold to swim in, I will join the Moncks Corner YMCA which has a large indoor pool.

Thankfully my financial situation is improving which is definitely helping my stress level. I am fighting the urge to shop. It's been so long since I bought myself anything (well, besides underwear and two cheap books) but I am going to wait until I am ready to job hunt before I buy clothes. Hopefully I will be down a size or two by then.

May the weather remain warm and sunny!!!