Okay. So yesterday I put some of my negative self talk out there and it did nothing but make me feel vulnerable. It was not cathartic. I do not feel like the self talk is absurd because I believe it. I've been told my whole life that I have a great personality, am pretty, intelligent and caring. Well, let me ask this. Why is it always women who say these things? Men never do. Why has no one ever tried to set me up with someone? Ever.

I come across to any people as confident but believe me, a lot of self doubt lies below the surface. And some of that has to do with my past relationships with men and the fact that I never dated much. As my sister so wisely told me recently, none of the men in the long term relationships I've had ever gave me what I needed to feel loved. I've always felt less than and unworthy.

Now I realize that my self worth should not be tied to a man. And that it's no one's responsibility but my own to make myself happy. But I have never had a fulfilling relationship with a man and I would really love to have that at some point in my life. To know what it feels like. To feel adored (and adore him back). Maybe that will never happen and if it doesn't, so be it. I need to create a full life without it. But that's where I feel stymied. I want someone to share things with. To have companionship.

I know I have to work on myself before a healthy relationship can happen. I need a clean slate so I can start over. But all that old baggage is dragging me down and until I can let go of it, I cannot make much progress.

09/29/13 Addendum: I have no idea how this above blog wound up being about men but the words were flowing so I just typed. And I did get to thinking, I was set up on 2 blind dates-one in college and one when I was in my 30's. Nothing came of either but at least each matchmaker tried. lol.