I just heard a very interesting interview with a Christian author about food addiction. I definitely fall into the category of a food addict. One thing she said she peaked my interest is that while some food cravings are biological (such as sugar and other trigger foods), I may be trying to fill my cravings for other things with food. Now to figure out what those other things are. Love? God? Companionship? Financial security?

It's been a long time since I have posted due to problems I was having signing in to my blog. Hopefully that won't happen again as I don't want to start another one!

Now to catch up: I've gained 20 lbs, am sleeping too much, and am lonely. That about sums it up. I am looking forward to time with my family this coming week but I am worried about it, too. I have little to no energy and feel emotionally vacant. Hopefully being with them will help me out of my slump. The extra 20 lbs is miserable. I've been eating to stuff down my emotions which is never good. At least I know that's why I am doing it but I feel like I can't stop. I've even been wondering if I ever should have gotten divorced. Crazy. At my last appointment, I asked my counselor if he thought I would ever work again. He feels that if I can ever get over the agoraphobia I have, then I could definitely work. I told him I hope so as I cannot imagine living the rest of my life this way.  

Need to Vent

I had to go back to the doctor today. Now I have an upper respiratory infection (potential pneumonia was mentioned) and a urinary tract infection. I'm on an antibiotic that is supposed to cover both infections. It's one I've never taken which is scary since I am allergic to 4 different antibiotic groups. And two I became allergic to the first time I took them. I've had to board my dog which I can't really afford as I cannot care for her at least for a few days. I get short of breath quickly with any activity so walking her is not possible right now. I was so excited about finding the indoor pool and soon after, got my first bladder infection. I was sick last week but hoped to chalk it up to PMS so I put off going to the doctor until today. Now I wish I had gone last week and caught this thing earlier. It's all so frustrating and I don't understand what is causing this. I know stress compromises the immune system so maybe that is playing a part. I have a couple of stressors right now that I worry about constantly which doesn't help. I really need to do better about turning things over to the Lord.

Okay. That's it. Got it off my chest. Hopefully the antibiotic will kick in quickly and I will be better soon. Please please please please please.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching the last few days. I think it's time to put on my big girl pants, quit focusing on the negative, face some fears and make some positive changes.

Although there are biological components to my depression and anxiety, I still need to make the right choices for me and work towards recovery. I feel like I made some progress with this over the summer but this fall, I've really been slipping backwards. And I am tired of it.

More to come.

It's an emotional week but I am trying to focus on happy memories of my mom. There are so many. Baking delicious treats and always being there when I got home from elementary school. Helping out with my girl scout troop. Rocking me when I was sick. Calling just to say hi. Shopping trips and lunch out. Sitting in her church with her and seeing her enjoy the music so much. Sharing bible studies with her. I could go on and on. God blessed me with a wonderful mother and for that I am very thankful.

I haven't been able to go swimming. I am having body aches, headaches and chills again. I hope it's just PMS and not another infection. Time will tell. Doctor next week, if the symptoms don't disappear by then. I am not wanting to pay for more doctor visits and medicines so let's hope it's PMS.

So I missed my appointment with Dr. Silver last week due to anxiety. Won't be able to see him until Nov. 5th. Saw Dr. Naylor today. Keeping the meds the same for now but have to go back in a month. My anxiety has increased a lot. Will try and go swimming tomorrow. Hopefully get into a routine with that will help. Need to take my dog to the vet due to red irritated skin/itching but I know they will want to do allergy testing and I can't afford that. Benadryl (doctor approved) helps her some but makes her sleepy. Am tired of this life-constant worries about money, overwhelmed over little things, eating like there is a food shortage coming, inability to LIVE life. UGH! 

Later the same day: I feel guilty for the above post but Dr. Silver thinks I should use my blog like a journal so I will. My dog is not suffering and is happy so I'll just plan to take her to the vet if her skin gets to where it is affecting her adversely, such as being painful, open sores, etc. I just feel guilty that I can't afford the best for her. But from what I read online, tons of dogs have this issue and vets can't always help in any way that I am not already doing.

I know I should be thankful for all I do have in my life. Millions of people have problems that make mine seem so insignificant. More guilt now. I'm just so tired of laying in bed at night worried about money. Using my calculator several times a day to add and re-add figures. They never change but I seem so obsessed with it. Am I ever be able to work again? Sometimes it seems like it's a distant dream.

SWIMMING!!

I was so excited today when I saw the indoor pool I had found online! It's in a nice area of N. Charleston and is an absolutely gorgeous HUGE pool. It's about 20-25 minutes from my house and only costs $1.00 a day to use it. It was nice to see school kids there learning to swim (still with plenty of lap lanes open for other people to swim).  Swimming has always been my favorite activity and I was so glad to see children who wouldn't normally get swim lessons, getting them. Maybe I can figure out a way to volunteer with that program. I will be starting Wednesday and plan to go at least 3 times a week. I AM SO EXCITED I FEEL LIKE A KID ON CHRISTMAS EVE!!

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

We will start with the good news. I am feeling better physically (yay) and am going to look at the indoor pool I found in North Charleston. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will meet my needs and not be too much of a drive.

The bad news is I am still struggling somewhat financially. I have accumulated some medical bills I am anxious to pay off, car insurance is due in a month and a couple of my monthly bills are increasing (electric and rent). Things will settle down in a few months but I am so stressed worrying about money issues.

The ugly news is I had a dream this morning about mom being sick and needing to be in the hospital. This dream also had a twist I had not experienced before. It threw me for a loop. When I awoke, I felt the kind of deep despair I had not experienced in quite some time. I haven't had a dream about mom in a while but with her birthday and the anniversary of her death coming up, I guess it's inevitable. I'm seeing my counselor Tuesday which is good. I am going to try to stay positive moving through this time and through the holidays. I was watching a First Lady episode on C-Span last Monday. It was on Grace Coolidge. She and her husband lost one of their sons when he was a teenager from a sudden illness. Of course both of them grieved deeply but per the author of a biography on Grace, when they would have family gatherings, while Calvin would focus on who wasn't there, she would focus on who was there. Quite different perspectives but hers seems to be the most healthy. I am going to try and make that my focus on time with family over the holidays-who IS there.

Well, I'm so glad I keep my three month routine followup with my doctor today. She found that I have a UTI and although I did not have typical symptoms, I am hoping the achiness and chills I've been having were due to this and that the antibiotic clears those things up. If not, it's back to the doctor for more investigation. My flu-like symptoms never kept me from swimming though so I am still going to pursue doing that at an indoor pool. Hopefully, I get to scope it out this weekend and see if the pool I found will suit my needs.

I was just listening to a great discussion on mental illness on the show Chris Fabry Live on Moody radio (part of Moody Bible Institute). Thankfully, people are realizing that mental illness is an illness. The same as having diabetes, high blood pressure or even a broken leg. It is not a sign of weakness and needs to be treated as the illness it is. They also mentioned that someone suffering from depression being told to "just buck up" is so disheartening. I can attest to that myself. I feel so guilty about even having depression and anxiety, which doesn't help. Being depressed makes me isolate, which makes things worse.

So far, it's been a pretty good week. I just want to feel better physically. I have successfully completed one whole day without drinking any Coke Zero!! Only one million to go!

Addendum at 8:00 a.m. the next morning. Goodness I feel like crap. Woke with in a sweat-maybe broke a fever? Ugh.

My older sister reminded me that she did set me up with someone, too. It had slipped my mind as I have tried to block out the memory of that relationship. lol. Not her fault. She was fooled by him, too.

Okay. So yesterday I put some of my negative self talk out there and it did nothing but make me feel vulnerable. It was not cathartic. I do not feel like the self talk is absurd because I believe it. I've been told my whole life that I have a great personality, am pretty, intelligent and caring. Well, let me ask this. Why is it always women who say these things? Men never do. Why has no one ever tried to set me up with someone? Ever.

I come across to any people as confident but believe me, a lot of self doubt lies below the surface. And some of that has to do with my past relationships with men and the fact that I never dated much. As my sister so wisely told me recently, none of the men in the long term relationships I've had ever gave me what I needed to feel loved. I've always felt less than and unworthy.

Now I realize that my self worth should not be tied to a man. And that it's no one's responsibility but my own to make myself happy. But I have never had a fulfilling relationship with a man and I would really love to have that at some point in my life. To know what it feels like. To feel adored (and adore him back). Maybe that will never happen and if it doesn't, so be it. I need to create a full life without it. But that's where I feel stymied. I want someone to share things with. To have companionship.

I know I have to work on myself before a healthy relationship can happen. I need a clean slate so I can start over. But all that old baggage is dragging me down and until I can let go of it, I cannot make much progress.

09/29/13 Addendum: I have no idea how this above blog wound up being about men but the words were flowing so I just typed. And I did get to thinking, I was set up on 2 blind dates-one in college and one when I was in my 30's. Nothing came of either but at least each matchmaker tried. lol.

Someone suggested to me that writing out my negative thoughts about myself may be helpful so I'll give it a shot. Many of them aren't "negative thoughts" about myself but fears.

I'm ugly, fat, unlovable, no one cares, my life is over, I'm stupid, I'm a loser, I'll never be able to work again, no one will ever want a relationship with me again, I'm so deep in this hole I can't get out, I suck at being a mother, I'm tired of trying, people have forgotten about me and why not-who would want to be around me. There are more but I can't voice them all. Some I know are unfounded but my biggest fear is that some of them are true and that my life truly is over.  

I know getting well is something that I have to work on and that it's up to me to make changes. I just feel so lost.

Negativity

I haven't been blogging recently as my mind is filled with negative self talk and writing down all the negativity may give it too much power. I have been listening to uplifting Christian talk radio shows and am working on internalizing and applying the things I have heard but thus far I have not been successful.

I got my first Social Security Disability check today, which was a relief financially, but all I could think was "Now I am officially a loser". If I had a physical disability I'm sure I wouldn't feel that way. But the fact that my disability is mental makes me shutter.

Well, I made it to my counseling appointment. Dr. Silver was so happy with my swimming and weight loss. I did tell him that my mood had improved greatly but that it now seems to be getting down again. He encouraged me not to focus on my worries (when will my SS review happen? when will I be ready to get a job, financial struggles, the list seems to go on and on) but to focus on what I have accomplished. I just can't seem to shake this feeling of depression. I usually leave counseling sessions feeling more upbeat but that didn't happen today.

I'm going to try and go tour the Moncks Corner YMCA sometime this week as the pool is really starting to get too cold for me to swim in, especially with the rain today and temps dipping into the 60's at night. I may not be able to join until next month due to the cost but I at least want to go see the facility.

To be perfectly honest, I just feel the need for someone to take care of me, hug me for hours and help in cheer up in general. I am tired of this funk and I don't seem to be able to fix it.

Struggling Again

I was so down last week and I just don't know why. There were times I wanted to burst into tears (but never did) and days when I spent too much time in bed. I did swim daily-most of the time twice a day. My high as far as the number of laps per day was 336. Other days I did between 200 and 300. I'm seeing my counselor tomorrow and am interested in discussing my recent change in mood. It seems like the month of August really saw a change for the better with my depression (for the most part). Now I feel like I am sliding back. I've been thinking about my mom much more lately. I cannot believe it's been almost four years since I gave her that final kiss goodbye (I didn't know it was final at the time). How I would treasure just one more moment with her.

Time to stop writing. The tears are starting to flow.

Back I go (for today)

I just haven't felt like myself these past two days. I feel like I have taken a step backwards. I'm swimming as much as I can but I feel tired and worn out. I have had stomach problems and anxiety/depression has reared it's ugly head. I am doing more to stay busy (housework, errands, swimming twice a day) so I am perplexed as to why I am in a funk. Maybe the coming weather change and not being able to swim outdoors for much longer is playing a part. It will take a lot more effort to drive to the YMCA for my daily swims and I am worried about fizzling out. My mom's birthday and the anniversary of her death are also approaching in the next couple of months so that may be a factor. I've been listening nightly to a discussion on the book "My Own Worst Enemy" and I have to say it's leading to some soul searching. I need to order the book and start a personal study of it along with the stories of women in the bible that go along with it. I've been surprised about how this book it hitting me and I need to dig deeper. The chapter I listened to tonight dealt with re-creating yourself after loss (all kinds of losses-death, job, divorce, health to name a few). When I think of all the loss I've had in the past several years, it's hard to bear. I had to stop listening early I felt so overwhelmed.

Progress!

I've still been swimming daily and have increased the number of laps I do. Yesterday I did 220 and today I did 300. I feel like I am training for the plus sized women's Olympics! I'm down 3 more lbs for a total of 41 lbs. My original weight loss of 40 lbs started sometime in early 2012 when my depression was at it's worst. Then I gained 13 lbs when I stopped working in February of this year. I'm glad to be losing again in a healthy way. I still need to work some on my eating habits but that will come. I feel so much better mentally and physically that continuing to swim is a must. When the outdoor pool here is to cold to swim in, I will join the Moncks Corner YMCA which has a large indoor pool.

Thankfully my financial situation is improving which is definitely helping my stress level. I am fighting the urge to shop. It's been so long since I bought myself anything (well, besides underwear and two cheap books) but I am going to wait until I am ready to job hunt before I buy clothes. Hopefully I will be down a size or two by then.

May the weather remain warm and sunny!!!

No Name Post

I have no idea what to name this post. I just have a few things to mention.

1) I was sick for three days and am so glad to finally be feeling better. I swam (and swam and swam) the last two days. 210 laps today. I am so tired. I hope I get to sleep quickly.
2) I am looking forward to being with family Saturday and the start of the college football season. Go Clemson!
3) I am happy my daughter got a job and hopefully she will be starting work sometime this week. She's had two trips to urgent care since she moved into her own place-once for a presumed spider bite and once for an upper respiratory infection. It's been a rough start to the school year for her but hopefully, nothing else will happen and she will be able to focus on school and work.
4) Jobs have come through for two people I know and in both instances, the pay/benefits are better than expected! I'm so happy for both of them.
5) I would love to have a man to sit on the couch with, to put his arm around me and kiss me. Yes, I said it. I little embarrassing to admit but true.

Off to bed for me.

Sunshine

I am so happy that the sun has been shining the past few days. Those rainy days were getting me down!! I swam 150 laps today which made me feel like a rock star. And I've lost 3 lbs. I am looking forward to celebrating my friend Mary's new job with her Friday night and to Saturday night out with the girls. Angel is starting her new job on Saturday and I am keeping my fingers crossed that she will manage her money well.

Here's to hoping the sunshine with be hanging around!

Friends

I've always been a social person and really did not have trouble making friends in the past. When I got married and moved here, my ex did not have much of a social circle and I seemed to struggle with making friends. I got to know some people at church and work but for the most part, I didn't do things with them outside of church/work. I kept up with some of my oldest and best friends but they do not live here and visits were few and far between. Since the divorce and moving into my apartment, I have only had one local friend with whom I do things (an old co-worker).

A few weeks ago I met a woman at the pool, Michelle. We've talked several times and seemed to click. Today at the pool, she introduced me to three other women. We are all in our 40's/early 50's, divorced, no children at home and not from Goose Creek. All of them moved here from out of state while married or after their divorces. I ended up being in the pool for three hours. Time flew. We all talked and shared and because of some commonalities in our backgrounds, could understand what the others are going through. They call themselves the "Lost Girls" for fun. I asked to join as I am lost, too. We all laughed over that. They have plans to have a girls night out next Saturday and invited me to go. The plan is to go somewhere downtown, or in MP (maybe Shem Creek).

Now the lack of confidence has set in. Did I talk to much? Reveal too much? Did they feel like they had to invite me to go next Saturday because it had come up in conversation? I hate this constant feeling of self doubt. Michelle and I exchanged cell numbers so I can text her when I find out the name of the jazz club in MP my counselor mentioned to me one time. I see him Wednesday and I'm sure he will boost my morale as he always does. I really hope that through these women I can form new friendships. That's something I would truly welcome.

To Move or Not To Move

After texting with my sister tonight it really got me to thinking. Should I move to Mt Pleasant or not? I would love to be closer to her and her family and to my dad. And I really like MP. However, bachelor level social workers don't make a lot and MP has a higher cost of living than where I am now. My monthly payment from my ex ends in 3 1/2 years so that also comes into play. I hesitate to move into my sister's condo (as she has so kindly offered) as I cannot pay her the rent it is worth and it would be hard for me to call her about maintenance issues. She will say pay what you can and of course call with maintenance issues. But I am tired of not being able to pay my own way 100%. I used to be so self sufficient. Having to borrow money from my dad has been so embarrassing for me. Also, there is the whole MP lifestyle thing. I don't feel that I would really fit in. Maybe that will change when I am working and have lost weight. A lot of this decision will depend on where I get a job when I am ready to start looking. I do think I will aim towards the MP area but who really knows what will happen.

I am thinking of joining the YMCA in Moncks Corner so I can continue swimming in the coming cooler months. It's only $35 per month with no contract so if I do move, it won't be a problem. If I had been smart, I would have been eating healthier while swimming so much this summer. I bet I would have lost 30 lbs by now. I had lost 40 lbs after my divorce but I gained back 13 after leaving my job. I've now lost 6 of that and I have definitely toned up some (I can tell in my clothes). But it could have been a lot more. I am ready to add healthy eating to my lifestyle and will continue to try and give up Coke Zero (no luck yet).

I have no love life and am really starting to miss that. I had shut down my feelings in that regard a while back but they are starting to resurface. It was easier when they were shut down. Sigh.

Just an FYI: the time posted on my blogs are PST. I cannot figure out how to switch it to EST. So tonight I am writing around 1:00 am, not 10:00 pm.

So much for Starting Again

I missed my counseling appointment on Thursday. I missed going to Mt Pleasant to see my family this weekend.. Both were mainly over anxiety over driving-to North Charleston for counseling and on the interstate to go to MP. But my depression also played a part.  A friend came over today to help cheer me up then she went with me to Publix. I'd been putting off going and the cupboards were getting rather bare.

I hated to miss the time with my family and I know I let them down. I was just so worried about having an anxiety attack on the interstate I had to cancel.

My shifts in my anxiety and depression are definitely cyclical and I think this next week will be better. I've rescheduled my counseling appointment for Thursday and hopefully I can get to MP next weekend.

I want things to be better so badly. Some days they are but then some days I struggle with not staying in bed all day. All in all I am better but I am ready to be off this roller coaster. As my counselor says, I am making progress but it's slow. I've got to figure out what I can do to help speed it up.

Feeling Oppressed

I've had headaches daily this week. My daughter's car is falling apart. She still has not heard about a dorm. I am seriously worried about making it through financially until the end of September. I feel alone and lost. Just the way it is today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Addendum: Now I feel guilty about my post. But I want to express my true feelings on this blog so I guess it stays.

Thoughts

Why does each post have to be named? I can never come up with a good title.

It was a dreary day today-not outside but in my heart and head. I awoke with a bad headache and had to take some medicine and lie back down. I later went to the pool. As I was entering the water I heard a girl say to her friend, "If I ever got that, fat I would shoot myself." Her friend them told her to shush. Now I can't guarantee that they were referring to me but I had walked past them. The comment really stung whether they were talking about me or not. I didn't stay at the pool long. When my daughter got home a couple of hours later she wanted to tell me about potentially getting an apartment with a friend from college if she doesn't get a dorm. I just had to tell her that I wasn't up to hearing about it right now. I am honestly dreading her moving out once the semester starts. She is good company for me and we do not butt heads as much as we used to. We truly are becoming closer and she can be great fun to be with. I am really fearing all the alone time I will have when she is in school and working, especially if she does not live at home. She and I went to the pool in the late afternoon and enjoyed socializing with some people there. That did help but I am still feeling somewhat down. I'm sure it will be better tomorrow as long as I don't have bad dreams tonight. I see my counselor tomorrow and will talk with him about dealing with Angel leaving and also about my dreams.

I am looking forward to my weekend in Mt Pleasant. Although when my sister told me about a small party we will be going to, I started to stress a little. I'm sure there will be a tour of the house and I worry about stairs. If I don't go on the upstairs tour, will I have people to talk to downstairs? I do feel somewhat uncomfortable in social situations because of my weight. Then I feel stupid for having these feelings as I always have a good time with my sister, her husband, and their friends. I seem to get anxious over the smallest things when before they didn't bother me. My anxiety is definitely better than it was but it still seems to crop up over things that would be simple to other people. I tend to over think everything!

Here's to hoping tomorrow is a better day. Maybe one of the books I ordered will come in the mail!

Nothing much to report

Not much has been going on so there is not much to blog about. I had more bad dreams during the week-another where my dog was sick, one that had moving in it and the others I can't really remember. I'm so perplexed by these dreams. I see my counselor Thursday and will discuss them with him. I should be writing them down so that we can try to decipher them.

I only met 2 of my goals for last week. I did swim a ton of laps and I did a little housework. I have been enjoying spending time with my daughter Angel-we laugh, we argue and we have fun together. After school starts our time together will be sporadic and I'm sure I will miss her, so I'm spending as  much time with her as I can, while I can. I am looking forward to going to Mt. Pleasant next weekend to see my sister, her family and my dad. We always have a great time together and being with my family is so good for my soul.

I did not make it to the library over the past week but I did order two large print books from Amazon. I got both (hardbacks) for $8.00. One is a biography of Grace Kelly and one is a biography of Bess Truman. Both were highly rated so hopefully they will be page turners.

Goal for this coming week-spend time in God's word, swim more laps, housework and getting out a little more.

Perplexed

Something really perplexed me today. I was talking to my dad and he asked if I would maybe take a trip to Florence with him next week. I told him that going during the week might be difficult as I will likely stay with my friend Nancy and she works during the week. Also, I cannot afford to board my dog Heidi right now. Of course, he said if I couldn't go he understood. I did tell him I would think about it. After we hung up, I started feeling so anxious. I want to go to Florence, especially for my dad. I haven't been since he moved down here after mom died. I'd love to see friends and family and travel familiar roads. I really never ever wanted to leave Florence, but marriage took me away. If dad had never moved down here, when my ex and I separated I would have moved back to Florence with my daughter as soon as I could. I think waiting so long to go makes it harder. I really don't understand why my response to it was anxiety. I'll be glad to discuss that with my counselor next week. I am going to make a goal to go to Florence soon with my dad. I'm just not sure when.

I've never been back to the cemetery to see my mom's grave since she died. I have no desire to see it. I know she isn't really there but is in heaven. Dad has expressed that he feels he has deserted her by moving away from Florence and he wishes he could visit her grave as often as he likes so that he could talk to her. That breaks my heart and of course, I will take him to the cemetery when we do go to Florence if he asks me to. I'll dread it I'm sure, but I will do it for him.

I think I swam about 100 laps today between two trips to the pool. That makes me happy!! Now they are the short laps (the width of the pool, not the length of the pool). But for me that is huge progress. I have decided to give up soda. My daughter mentioned doing that herself today and I am going to join her in her endeavor. I am so addicted to Coke Zero it's ridiculous. My grocery bill will definitely go down!! The next few days will be tough but I will persevere.

Bye, Bye Blahs

For some reason my blahs have left me. Maybe it was hormones. lol. Whatever the reason, I am glad they are gone. Goals for this week-spending time in God's word, housework, swimming laps and going to the library. I am watching way too much television and I need to get some books. The problem is I need large print and our local library only has novels in large print. I am much more interested in reading biographies and history but hopefully, I'll find a novel that's a page turner. I  probably have over two hundred books at home and would definitely love to read some of them again. Too bad they are all regular print. Maybe I will try some stronger reading glasses. It's weird. I was always such an avid reader but my eyes tire so easily now, even with large print books. Isn't aging fun!

Blah, Blah, Blah

I've been feeling so blah the last two days. Not sure why. Can't always chalk things up to hormones. I was very hurt that my daughter did nothing for my birthday but that was days ago. I am immensely worried about money. That's nothing new but it's worse now than before. I'm still swimming but even that's not doing the trick. I guess I'll just keep plugging away and remember the old adage "This too will pass".

Okay, here we go!

I have made a committment that my 49th year of life will be a new beginning so I will try to leave the past in the past and look to the future. I had a wonderful pre-birthday lunch hosted by my sister Kristen and a great post birthday lunch with my sister Kim. I got text messages from my ex on my birthday and the day after that I DID NOT respond to which was a positive step for me. I spent my birthday swimming and just taking it easy. I always miss my mom more on special occasions so I was a little down on my actual birthday, but now that it has passed I feel I can focus on this new year.

I'll be coming up with and listing some goals on a blog soon. Until then, enjoy life!!

Happiness

I want to post something on the bright side today. I was so happy the pool reopened today after being closed for two days for cleaning. Doing laps and being in the sunshine made me feel so alive. My face and chest got fried but that's okay. It was worth it. Tomorrow I will be taking my sister Kim to the airport. She is going to Texas to visit her son, his wife and most importantly her granddaughter Maggie. How we all loved meeting Maggie when she was here with her parents in June. Of course we were so happy to see Robert and Sarah but meeting Maggie was so joyous to me. She is named for my mother, Margaret. How my mom would have adored her.

Sunday my dad and I will be going to my sister Kristen's house for my birthday lunch. She and her husband Jay. Kristen and Jay are FABULOUS cooks. I am turning 49 on the 23rd and instead of focusing on the number (which is a little daunting), I am looking at this new year in my life as an opportunity for new beginnings. On July 24th I will be seeing my sister Kim after she returns from Texas and we are going to lunch. I love my family so much and appreciate the things they do to make my birthday special. I hope I will get to see my daughter Angel also. She is working in Myrtle Beach for the summer but I hope she can make a short trip home to share in some birthday fun with me.

It's been fun to see that some people from Europe have seen my blog. Everyone is welcome to leave a comment!

Dreams

Praying for good dreams (or no dreams) tonight. Early this morning I had a dream in which my mother and I were packing clothes (don't know why). I came to the realization that she is dead and started crying. Thankfully my phone rang just then and woke me up. After I went back to sleep I dreamt that I came upon my dog Heidi outside and she was hurt. I was very upset and carried her to my house. That's all I remember.

I've had one other dream where I realize my mother is dead. In the dream she was sitting on the edge of my bed and was talking to me (I don't know what she was saying). I then said with alarm "What are you doing here? You're dead". I woke up at that moment.

In the past, in my dreams about my mom, she's been was angry at me and will not talk to me. They also involved moving or being in a new home. My mom was such a gentle, sweet woman who loved me very much. My counselor thinks that maybe those dreams are a result of me feeling some guilt in her death although there was nothing I could have done. The moving part may have to do with my dad selling the house and moving to a retirement community in the Charleston area (which was a good choice). Or me having to move after my divorce. Those dreams finally stopped.

I don't know why these new dreams have started. I just want them to stop.

Here are the things that plague me:

What if I had never gotten married and moved away from Florence? I would have been around her much more and maybe known or picked up on the health issue sooner.

What if I had pushed for her to be admitted to the hospital when I was with her at the ER visit? I did ask about it but just accepted the ER doctor's response.

Why didn't I ask the ER doctor to order an abdominal x-ray? If he had we would have known the answer to the problem sooner which may have changed the outcome.

I know I have to quit playing the "what if" game. And my mother certainly wouldn't have wanted me to blame myself. I am doing much better in this area than I was but whenever I have one of those dreams, it brings the whole situation back up. I have no idea what triggers the dreams. I'll be glad to see my counselor next week and discuss this with him.

Swimming

Right now the biggest pleasure I have in my life is swimming. How I love it. Especially on a hot, sunny day. It calms and relaxes me and at the same time energizes me. I have been swimming laps 1-2 times per day and am feeling more confident and happy than I have for months. I am dreading the rainy days ahead. I'm also worried about what I will do when swimming season is over. None of the fitness centers in my area have indoor pools. But for now, I will enjoy every chance I have to be in the water. And the sun (without sweating!).

How Ironic

I was thinking last night as I lay in bed awaiting sleep how ironic it is that when I met my Mr. X in 2003 (on a Christian dating website no less), I was going to counseling and seeing a psychiatrist for depression and just not being happy with the way my life was going. It had been nine years since I had been in a relationship. Oh, I had been on a couple of dates (guys met through other dating sites) but nothing had developed from those. I was somewhat active in church but really wasn't involved in other clubs or ministries as I had been before. I was filling the void in my life with shopping (and ended up with the credit card debt to prove it). I had been praying that when I met Mr. Right he and I would both know it was God's will that we be together and that things would move quickly. Well, when I met Mr. X I assumed this was it. The man God sent me. Looking back I cannot say it wasn't God's will. If I hadn't married Mr. X and moved to the Charleston area, I would never had met that 13 year old girl in foster care named Angel. I'll save that story for another blog but I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was God's will that Angel become my daughter. But getting married at 39 after being alone for so long was a tough transition. I never saw Mr. X's moodiness or temper while we were dating. Nor had he shared a couple of bombshells with me from his earlier life until after we had been married for a year. Adding a 13 year old daughter with emotional scars to the mix two years later had it's own challenges. I know I've never been a perfect mother but Mr. X was certainly not cut out to be a father.

Now, 10 years later, I am back in counseling and seeing a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety. Do I want to meet a new Mr. X one day? I don't know the answer to that question. I have a terrible track record with men and just don't trust myself. I'll never say never but I cannot imagine being married again. Right now the thought of even going on a date makes me feel like I am going to have an anxiety attack. At this point in my life I am going to just focus on healing-mind, body and spirit.

Starting Again

I have a lot to say and have decided that now is the time to start saying it.

I plan to use this blog to chronicle the last 9-10 years of my life and try to figure out why it has culminated in so deep a depression and crippling an anxiety that I am not able to work. I do intend to get back to work. I just don't know when that will be. I am doing much better than I was a year ago and since February when I had to quit working. But I still have a lot to sort out. I also don't think the people closest to me really understand all that has happened. Hell, I don't even understand it. I used to feel like such a strong person. That has melted away and I often feel like I have dissolved into a puddle.

I spent years in a destructive marriage being forced like a round peg into a square hole. That's the best way I can describe it. I lost myself. As my dad says, lots of people have gone through divorce. But as I have told him, no one else was married to or went through a divorce with my Mr. X. Not that I was perfect. Far from it. I tried. God knows I did. But I realized within 6 months to a year into my marriage that I had made a huge mistake. It took 7 years to get up the courage to leave and 8 to be divorced. It should have been for adultery but I ended accepting "irreconcilable differences" to get it all over with. There were plenty of irreconcilable differences so that was true. As well as the adultery.

I am going to try and blog daily or at least several times a week. I've started before and failed to be disciplined about it. The name of my blog means many things to me. Starting my life over again. Starting my relationship with God over again (not that He ever gave up on me. I've realized I gave up on Him). Starting a blog over again. The list goes on.

Thank goodness for second (and third and fourth) chances.